In That Moment
by Someonewholovesyou
Summary: A Han/Leia story. When a bounty hunter shows up on Ord Mantell and threatens Leia's life, Han blames himself. Leia survives the encounter but faces losing the one person that she's come to trust more than any other.
1. Chapter 1

In that moment

Chapter 1 Still Breathing

As scared as she might have been in that moment, hands forced behind her back, and a blade pressed to her chest, nothing could have made her more fearful than the look on Han's face. The bounty hunter hadn't killed her. Chewie's timely arrival had meant that the blade didn't get a chance to cut through, but the near miss had severed the life she'd dared to believe in over the past months. The life she'd begun to dream of sharing with Han.

In that moment, she knew that she'd lost him or was about to.

Han's shell-shocked face betrayed his thoughts as she stood before him. His eyes wild with fear, not for himself, never for himself. Leia's heart was eerily still all of a sudden and she found herself holding her breath, afraid that the next time she exhaled it would trigger the ground beneath her to rupture – separating her and Han forever.

He looked pale and gaunt and truly scared, in a way that she'd never seen. His lips parted as if to speak, but no words followed. He swallowed hard to try to dislodge the lump that now blocked his airways. He battled to regain control, but without air he could feel the panic rising. He couldn't breathe. He'd almost lost her. The one person he was fighting for, the one person who had given his life true meaning, something to believe in, the one person he'd fallen in love with.

Leia took the tiniest of steps towards him, willing him not to retreat from her any further than he already had. She was standing there in front of him almost apologetically, like it was somehow her fault that a bounty hunter on Ord Mantell had almost killed her.

He was drowning now, his lungs burning, bursting – and finally he surfaced, frantically trying to inhale. Leia stood before him, but he was now struggling to see her clearly. Leia. He tried desperately to choke back the tears that had stolen his vision and his throat tightened like a vice with the effort. She was still alive but he knew in that moment, that he had lost her. Behind blurred eyes, he knew there was no way he could live the life he so longed to live with her. She'd almost died, not because of the Rebellion she was leading, but because of him.

And he would never let that happen again.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Lost

She knew him. After two and half years, she finally felt as though she knew him. But to know him, was to know that he'd probably never forgive himself for a bounty hunter almost killing her just to get to him. She knew he was going to leave. Leave the Rebellion, and leave her in an attempt to save her from Jabba's cronies. Except, his leaving wouldn't be saving her.

Leia hadn't allowed him in far enough for him to have any idea of that. Not yet, at least. She'd wanted to, desperately so, at times. She hadn't told him that _he_ was the reason that she had been able to stand up and continue to lead this fight for the past two and half years since Alderaan's destruction.

He'd helped save her on the Death Star that fateful day, but what he didn't know, was that he'd saved her every day since. The connection between them was instant, magnetic and discernable to everyone around them. He'd made her _feel _when all hope was lost to her. Whether it was his innate ability to disagree with almost anything she said, his never-tell-me-the-odds attitude, his shoulder to cry on, the warmth of a birthday hug, the times he and Chewie had made dinner aboard the Falcon for her and Luke; Leia was alive because of him and she wanted to be alive _for_ him.

He'd saved her from physical danger on more occasions than she'd care to admit, but the very fact that she even wanted to live after the destruction of Alderaan was down to Han. She hadn't known her heart fully at the start, but she knew it all too painfully now – now that, he too, was lost to her.

As the Falcon touched gently down and settled back in to its usual space in the hangar on Hoth, Leia fought the feeling that it would be for the last time. She grabbed a small bag of her possessions and without looking back, hurried down the exit ramp. The journey back to base had been excruciating for all of the Falcon's occupants. Han had half attempted to say something to her as they'd left the atmosphere of Ord Mantell, which began with a whispered "I'm sorry Leia". And that was enough to send her spiraling. She couldn't let him see her cry then and so she ran to his cabin, knowing that he wouldn't – couldn't follow her there. And there she stayed until they landed back in that icy hangar.

The same hangar Leia had so often anxiously awaited the Falcon, when it was due back from one of its emergency supply runs for the Rebellion. The hangar where Han so frequently rounded up and organized the rebels before instructing them on some new daring tactics he'd dreamed up; the hangar where Han and Chewie's fall-outs over the Falcon's state of repair could be heard from one end to the other. And the same hangar where her own daily spats with Han could be heard reverberating off its icy walls. The hangar where Han had swirled Leia around with his two left feet in the dead of night after an impromptu birthday party for her and Luke. The hangar where they stared at one another for a little too long because of some moment of brilliance neither of them wanted to commend the other on, for fear of 'letting on' to their deeper feelings– so instead just stared in awe.

The hangar where she had fallen in love with the site of the Falcon parked safely there… and fallen in love with its Captain.

It was all too much for her fragile heart to take. She fled the Falcon and headed straight to her quarters. She rounded the final corner with total abandon. Her hands shook so much that she struggled to get the key in the lock. The door opened as she shoved it hard, and then slammed it, shut. Her back against it, hopelessly trying to keep out the pain. Her knees weakened and she slid down. Her head fell forward into her hands and she collapsed sobbing. Throat closing, she battled for it to reopen and let her breathe. The tears were relentless and just as the grief had poured out of her in her cell on the Death Star, it was doing so again now.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 Shattered hearts

Leia entered Carlist's office for the debriefing session. Dodonna and Mon Mothma both already seated, acknowledged her politely but it was Carlist that stood and saw the need to gently cup her elbow, and guide her to a chair. Leia forced a tentative smile in his direction which only served to accentuate a swelling around her eyes. It had been a full twenty-four hours since the Falcon had landed, so he assumed that she had not slept comfortably. He looked genuinely concerned, but before he had time to comment, Han appeared, paused in the doorway and walked quietly into the room. His eyes immediately, desperately shot to Leia but she wouldn't make eye contact – couldn't. Carlist noted his sunken eyes, lost to the dark rings surrounding them. He looked defeated somehow. But why? Yes, the mission had not gone to plan but he had never seen Han and Leia in such an obvious state. What had happened?

Carlist decided it best to delay the debriefing, but before he could, Dodonna began. And as Han's voice stumbled over the account of their last moments on Ord Mantell, Carlist noted that Han's eyes never left Leia's fragile form. Even when Dodonna was waiting for a direct response as to why a bounty hunter had interrupted their mission, it was as though Han was trying to explain himself not to Dodonna or Mon Mothma, or even to Carlist, but to Leia – only Leia.

But he didn't need to explain himself – she already knew he would announce to them his intention to leave and his reasons for doing so. Of course, he would not name Leia as his motive – he would make it seem that he was leaving to so that the entire Rebellion wouldn't be put at risk any more than they already were. But Carlist could see right through what had happened out on Ord Mantell and it killed him to see two young people he cared so deeply about, sitting before him with shattered hearts and dreams. This wasn't how it was meant to end.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 - End game

"…And so it's for that reason that I need to leave", the words fell out of Han Solo's mouth, deep and unfathomable and there was no safety net to break their fall. Leia was crushed beneath the landslide they caused. She'd known it was coming and yet there was no defence capable of lifting the mass of the boulder-like weights that pinned her to her chair. Her heart was hit, shattered like a glass window, fractured, fragmented, barely held together.

She couldn't lift her eyes to meet his, too fearful that they would convey her devastation, and instead, just nodded involuntarily at the table before her – the only small movement she could muster.

Dodonna spoke, expressing his regret at Solo's peremptory decision to leave, but allayed this with a surprising level of compassion and understanding that was quickly echoed by Mon Mothma.

Carlist on the other hand, was not going to allow Solo's departure so easily. Aside from being a phenomenal pilot and strategist, Solo was one of the bravest, kind-hearted and selfless people he had ever met. And despite his outward appearance of not really ever being affected and his bravado of only being in the fight because it paid well – Carlist had quickly seen beneath the protective layers he donned during his time with the Rebellion. He saw a man who truly did care, who gained the respect of everyone he worked with, who challenged those in authority not because of insolence but because he saw things differently and felt the need to at least try to get his point across. His boldness and audacity did not go down well with everyone in High Command but Carlist was thankful for it. Solo had saved countless lives because he dared to speak up and fight for what he thought was right. He was a natural leader and someone that the young Rebels looked up to and Carlist wasn't going to let him go without a fight, not only for the sake of the Rebellion, but for the sake of the one person he cared about more than himself – Leia.

Leia was like a daughter to him. The destruction of Alderaan had brought the two closer than they had ever been. To this day, he couldn't comprehend the strength that she had displayed in the days and weeks following Alderaan's destruction. Whether she'd continued on autopilot or some kind of unbreakable mental reserve, she had somehow got through it, and her determination from the ashes of devastation, had pulled him through with her.

But seated in his office now, he could see she was no longer unbreakable.

The feelings Han and Leia had for one another were obvious and profound and yet the two of them were so blindsided as to how the other truly felt, or were just too scared to admit it, that their relationship, or lack thereof, had become an ongoing saga for the best part of two years. The chemistry between the two was palpable and only added fuel to the fire of the rumours circulating on base that the two had it bad for one another. Their very public disagreements were intriguing and commendable all at once, with both displaying an unparalleled level of passion and commitment to their values. The irony being, that whilst their chosen method of communication differed, their values were often shared and resulted in exactly the same end game. It seemed they knew exactly which buttons to press to evoke a reaction from the other, with Han being particularly adept at it in public.

Carlist recounted the time when Solo and the Princess had taken a disagreement all the way from the Control Center on Hoth to the steps of the Falcon. He'd watched the entire display and thought to himself that if those two didn't eventually end up together then what were they all fighting for. They were in love then, and they were in love now. And that was all he needed to know in order to try to convince Solo to stay. It was everything the Rebellion stood for. Freedom, and the chance to live and love.

"Solo, I'd prefer if you'd rethink your decision to leave. We're at a critical point in the battle and to lose you and Chewbacca would be very damaging indeed ." Carlist said solemnly.

He continued soberly stating "I understand that you do not wish to further risk the safety of the Rebellion and its members, but that risk is something that we are faced with every day."

Han nodded slowly in partial agreement but his reasons were not for the whole rebellion, his true reason was for Leia. She was now a target just by association, and he could not live with that scenario. He had to clear his debts.

Han opened his mouth to begin, but Carlist raised his palm in a gesture to let him finish.

"I know that you wish to pay-off a debt to Jabba the Hutt but in doing so, you risk not coming out alive. I understand you think it is the right thing to do, but on this one Han – I have to disagree with you. It's a suicide mission."

For the first time, Leia's eyes lifted from the table in which she had bored holes into for the past forty minutes. They lifted to meet Han's and in that single moment he was lost to them, to her, to everything that she meant to him. He wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to tell her that he loved her and that the last thing he wanted to do was leave her. He'd stayed for two and half years because he loved her, loved being close to her, loved everything about her and wanted to share his life with her. His heart was broken and he couldn't think anymore. He just knew that he didn't want to be the reason that Leia got killed.

"I'm sorry, Carlist" he choked out.

"I have to leave, I have to try and clear this debt so that no one becomes a target."

And in that one sentence, Han Solo had said everything he could short of a full declaration of his feelings. Carlist knew who that 'no one' was. Even Dodonna and Mon Mothma for all their no-nonsense, pragmatic acceptance of Solo's departure saw right through to his true motive. He'd laid himself bare - his last stand.

Carlist had failed in his attempt to convince Han Solo to stay with the Rebellion, but he had opened a door for Han Solo to admit to the one person that mattered why he was so steadfast in his decision.

Leia's eyes began to fill, the pain was too much to bear. Before the tears forming in her ducts became any more noticeable, she rose from her chair as though releasing herself from being pinioned, swallowed hard, nodded her acknowledgement of those before her and hurriedly took her leave.

Her sudden absence was all-consuming and Han knew then, that Leia was more than just a leader of the Rebellion – she _was_ the Rebellion and without her, all hope of freedom in the galaxy would be lost. His leaving would help make sure that wouldn't happen – wouldn't it? Han looked at Carlist, and was met with a face full of regret, sadness and distress and Han could take it no more. He nodded his leave, turned on his heel, and swung himself forcefully through the door.


End file.
